Talkin' Puppies

"The vanity of teaching often tempteth man to forget he is a blockhead." - George Savile

know I’s guilty, lately at least, of yakkin’ a lot ‘bout edumacation an’ it’s various and divers elements.  I figger, though, that I can get some kinder ticket ter ride with that there subject since I’s spend so much of my life involved in it.  In a way, the world of the high school classroom is kinda a microcosm fer society in general so’s there’s a lotter correlative observations I can make ‘tween the two.  Therefore I seem ter look at the world often thru them experiences in the workplace.  Yup.

Today, though, I gots some personal gripin’ ter do concernin’ some opinions I done figger ignorant folks oughtter just keep ter themselves where views on teachin’ is the focus.  If I had a doller fer ever’time I done heard (or been the recipient of) some remark ‘bout teachin’ bein’ easy an’ havin’ unwarranted fringe benefits such as summer vacation an’ whatnot, I’d be a rich man.

Part the First –

When I wuz a lot younger, I used ter hear a phrase thrown ‘round quite a bit in would-be professional circles.  This phrase wuz “Those who can’t, teach.”  ‘Member that one?  I still hear it sometimes. But not with quite the frequency it seemed ter float ‘round in them days of the waning 20^th century.  I’m figgerin’ it were prolly birthed by the fact, at least within California, that in them 1980s an’ whatnot, the state had a shortage of teachers ter adequately accommodate their swelling student populace an’ so’s they wuz givin’ teachin’ jobs ter just ‘bout anybody who wanted ter try the task on fer size.  Remember them “emergency credentials” an’ all that?

Well, anyone with some 20/20 can prolly figger out in lookin’ back that such behavior on the part of them governmental types prolly weren’t the best course of action, an’ I ain’t gonner deny that education suffered from a lotter people who shouldn’t a been teachers getting’ inter a classroom an’ passin’ on their inabilities ter young people.  But I’d like ter point out that, even though there’s a lotter complainin’ ‘bout the new requirements bein’ established fer teacher-types in order ter keep their jobs within the past decade, a lot of them folks who should never have been in the classroom is bein’ weeded out perty successfully.  These days, if’n you wanner teach, it’s a perty difficult position ter achieve (not ter mention maintain).

The big mistake on the part of tryin’ ter “emergency credential” folks basically lay in the premise that if someone wuz good at some skill er had some knowledge of some subject matter, they could teach it.  Believe you me, that just ain’t the case.  Remember all them lousy teachers an’ perfessers you had when you wuz a schoolgoer?  All them folks who really knew their subject, but just couldn’t make it make sense to you?  Yeah, them folks.  Believe you me, teachin’ is a skill an’ an art form all in itself.  Just ‘cuz you is a prize winnin’ novelist don’t mean you’d be any good at teachin’ English.  An’ just cuz you werk fer NASA don’t mean you’d be any good at teachin’ celestial science er the like.  It’s a big misnomer.

So’s, I do gotter give some credit ter the teacher-trainin’ programs an’ whatnot these days in tryin’ ter provide some trainin’ ter newcomers in “how to teach”, an’ I won’t protest too much against policy bein’ designed ter try an’ ensure that folks who find themselves at the head of a classroom are at least beneficial ter a youth’s schoolgoin’ experience.  I ain’t gonner claim there ain’t any exceptions, an’ sure, I’m certain there are folks who have managed to continue slippin’ under the radar somehows… an’ then there’s tenure, of course.  But fer the most part, these days, have some faith that there is at least some attempt bein’ made ter ensure that people who is getting’ inter the classroom is at least bein scrutinized an’ held ter some kinda standard.

It sure helps ter have some know-how, an’ maybe some life experience, in the case of teachin’ some subject matter.  But please discard the notion that teachin’ is just somethin’ that could be easily performed on the side by a professional.  Teachin’ is its own beast.  Trust me on that one.

Part the Second-

The other night my better half an’ I is sittin’ watchin’ some movie, an’ this here movie involved a lotter bits where these fellers who wuz workin’ at a regular 9 ter 5-ish type job wuz standin’ ‘round shootin’ the breeze an’ goofin’ off.  Now, ever’one knows that these kinda behaviors aren’t exactly the most desirable ter a discerning entrepreneur havin’ ter hire employees they is countin’ on ter be part of a profit-makin’ enterprise, but the fact of the matter is that this stuff goes on in every kinda job environment!

Yup.  It don’t matter where you werk.  Some of the day is certainly spent under the guise of bein’ a productive employee attendin’ ter responsibilities, but another gigantic portion of the day is just spent jerkin’ off.  It happens everywhere.  It duzn’t matter if’n you werk fer a fast food joint, a technology service provider, a retail establishment… hell, even the post office an’ the bank an’ the doggone court house is guilty of this kinda bizness bein’ perpetrated by employees.  Hospitals?  Check.  The Pentagon?  I’m certain.

An’ movies an’ television shows an’ comic strips (like Dilbert) unveil this not-so-sekrit-sekrit.  Employees dick around at all levels of the professional world.  They stand around an’ talk at the water cooler, go to the bathroom an’ hang out in the stall readin’ the paper, take extended lunches, stand behind the shop in the alley puffin’ on cancer sticks… it happens everywhere.

Except teaching.

Have you ever considered that from the moment the school day starts in the mornin’ ter the moment the bell rings ter release the childrens onter unsuspecting society again in the afternoon, every moment of a teacher’s time is accounted fer?  Yup.  There’s no loungin’ around talkin’ ter other teachers at inopportune times, there’s no runnin’ off ter the shitter whenever you feel the urge, there’s no clockin’ in 3 minutes late an’ sneakin’ ter yer cubicle in an attempt ter avoid the verbal thrashin’ yer manager oughtter lambaste you with.  Nope.  You sign in three minutes late in the mornin’ as a teacher an’ there are forty maturity-lacking adolescents makin’ a scene in the hallway outside yer classroom door… an’ believe you me, since it’s yer job ter be in charge of them yahoos from the moment that bell rings, there is a good rakin’ over the coals in yer future if’n that situation happens.

An’ that’s the way it is fer the rest of the day as a teacher, folks.  Fer six hours you’s accountable fer this er that group of 30 ter 40-some-odd children who all try as hard as they can ter make the education experience as unsuccessful as possible (keep in mind that if they can keep from actively learning anything over the course of a class period, they have succeeded).  Not to mention that they’s children.  It ain’t 30 er 40 adults (er even semi-adults) you are dealin’ with, folks.  They’s CHILDREN!  Immature, unsensible, compulsive, unfocused, continually distracted.  And on no level can you truly relate ter them becuz that part of yer life is long past.

But, I’s gettin’ ahead of myself a bit.  I is just tryin’ ter make the point that there is no time durin’ a teacher’s day where he or she is not accountable ter the needs an’ whims of a classroom full of children.  Okay… that’s a lie… most teachers get 29 minutes a day fer lunch where they can associate with other adults.  Praise God fer small mercies.

So remember that the next time you are sittin’ in yer cubicle perusin’ yer emails an’ that Tommy’s Chili Cheese Fries from midnight starts rumblin’ in yer lower intestine an’ no one questions the fact that you’s gotter get up an’ head ter the toilet before you’s load yer drawers with the deserved punishments of yer dietary infractions.

Part the Third-

Which brings me ter the conclusion of my observation… the notion that teachin’ is an easy gig ‘cuz teachers get that fringe benefit of a few elongated breaks over the course of the school year.

Here’s the primary thing most folks never realize ‘bout teachin’.  In almost every other profession, an employee works with coworkers who are (ter some degree er another) of a similar level of maturity.  I ain’t sayin’ that everyone is at the same state of life experience er even at similar states of adulthood, but at least most of the people you will end up werkin’ with in the professional world, from flippin’ burgers on up, are at least outter high school an’ startin’ ter accumulate some life experience beyond the classroom bubble.  They’s out an’ about an’ werkin’ at figgerin’ out life ter some degree er another.  But in the teachin’ profession, one spends nearly their entire day with little human beings that are nowhere near a similar level of mental interaction.

Imagine this scenario.  Say yer werkin’ at Steelyermunny Banks Inc. in some cubicle shuffling pie graphs an’ columnar charts, right?  Well, say you’s been werkin’ there fer a few years.  You certainly ain’t no young whippersnapper still tryin’ ter figger out math analysis, but you ain’t no old man ready ter retire yet, either.  You’s just livin’ out life an’ figgerin’ yer step by step path like the next guy.  Right?  Well, you’s meander over ter the water cooler one afternoon after an arduous check up on yer email an’ the ten day forecast an’ who do ya run inter but the new guy, Joe Schmoe, who werks in customer service.

Well, you’s an’ Joe done crossed paths before.  He’s an intern type who’s attendin’ the local junior college werkin’ on the transferable general ed requirements fer a BA in accountin’.  You figger he’s an alright kid fer bein’ 21 an’ still tryin’ ter get over the starry disposition of finally not havin’ ter pay the hipster bum outside the likker store ter purchase alcohol fer him an’ his buddies.  He certainly ain’t someone you’d consider trustin’ management of yer mutual funds to yet, but you’s have certainly shot the breeze ‘bout football scores, articles in the Wall Street Journal, datin’ experiences, an’ who ya consider ter be the most important contribution ter modern music, film, an’ literature.

So you get the picture.  Sure, you’s a few years apart (maybe even more’n a few), but yer both inhabitin’ the same world an’ tryin’ ter find yer way ‘round in it an’ are both in a position ter be makin’ independent decisions an’ whatnot.  Hell, you’d prolly even go out an’ grab a beer er four with the feller an’ not feel like you wuz operatin’ way below yer level of societal inneraction.  Yer both basically adults an’ can see the world through them semi-adult-tinted goggles.

Guess what?  Minors… perty much teenagers in general, but we’ll narrow it down just plain ter minors… is not in the same league as yer coworker, Joe Schmoe.  They’s perty much hormone pumpin’ scatterbrains with absolutely no concept of cause an’ effect, accountability, responsibility, an’ completely lack the verbal skills ter even put their confusion an’ frustrations inter intelligible phraseology (that’s why they draw phalluses on ever’thing… it’s a summary of their frustrations; the attempt, if you will, to draw society’s attention ter their personal frustrations by engaging in the most offensive activity they can muster: drawin’ penises in opportune places).  If you will, high school (an’ younger) aged childrens is perty much comparable ter talkin’ puppies.  They want yer approval an’ they want ter succeed, but their success or failure at acquiring said goals seems perty much related ter some kinda Pavlovian trial an’ error mess.  Yeah, I said talkin’ puppies.

An’ a teacher spends perty much six hours a day locked up in a room with no social interaction of any kind ‘cept with these underdeveloped, socially awkward, vying, spastic, limit-pushin’, button-pushin’ little people.  Can you imagine?  There wuz a period of time right after I started my position as a classroom teacher that I realized I wuz so immersed in the level of my students that I found myself fergettin’ how ter do simple content tasks correctly an’ fallin’ inter the situation of makin’ their common errors in my own work.  It wuz terrifying!

Yup.  All day long.  Cooped up with adolescents.  I ain’t so sure you can even imagine the situation without doin’ it yerself.  You, of course, is gonner argue that there are all sortsa adult types within the teachin’ institution.  There’re other teachers, counselors, principals, assistant principals, deans, custodians, plant managers… the list goes on an’ on… but you gotter unnerstand that a teacher don’t never SEE these other folks.  Lemme give you an example.  Here’s what my standard day looks like right now:

8:23am

8:23 is the grail of kronocentric thinkin’ in my school environment.  That’s the time in the mornin’ ya gotter be signed in.  If’n you ain’t signed the time card by 8:23am you start gettin’ docked in 8 minute increments.  I’s am usually slidin’ in right ‘bout 8:17 er so, sayin’ good mornin’ ter the office manager, checkin’ the mailbox, an’ then it’s off ter the classroom ter get ready fer the day.

8:30am

This is when 1^st period starts.  All my students is’sposed ter be situated an’ ready ter go when the bell sounds at this momentous time.  We’s say the flag salute an’ then fer the next 82 minutes, it’s just me an’ them.

9:52am – 9:58am

Right after 1^st period comes the passin’ period.  This means that fer the next six minutes students is leavin’ their 1^st period whereabouts an’ arrivin’ at their 2^nd period whereabouts.  Theoretically I should be able ter run ter the faculty restroom in this time, but the students comin’ an’ goin’ perty much overlap an’ there ain’t much time ter do nuthin’ ‘cept get situated fer the next 82 minutes.

9:58am

At 9:58, 2^nd period starts.  Students are all ‘sposed ter be situated an’ ready ter go an’ we spend the next 82 minutes wrestlin’ with whatever it is we’s ‘sposed ter be accomplishin’ that day.  Once again, just me an’ them.

11:20am – 11:26am

This is another passin’ period.  At this time, 2^nd period done clears out an’ my Advisory comes on in.

11:26am

Advisory starts.  Fer the follwin’ 29 minutes I done shepherd a group of students towards the eventual goal of graduation.  The purpose is outside the current focus, but once again, it’s just me an’ them.

11:55am

Students done clear out an’ head ter Lunch!

12:00pm – 12:29pm

Yeehaww!  29 minutes fer lunch!  If I is lucky an’ a good manager of my time I can manage ter squeeze in microwaving my lunch fer 5 minutes, makin’ a run ter the facilities, eatin’ my lunch, AND spendin’ a few minutes conversatin’ with whichever of my coworkers is in the lunchroom.  A whole 29 minutes of potential adult interaction!  I repeat:  Yeeehawww!

12:29pm – 12:35pm

Passin’ period ter 3^rd.  Fightin’ through student-crowded halls ter get back ter the classroom.  Kinda like a salmon swimmin’ upstream, I figger,

12:35pm – 1:58pm

3^rd period.  Same as 1^st and 2^nd.  Just me an’ them.

1:58pm – 3:26pm

4^th period… my conference… I get ter sit alone fer awhile an’ grade an’ figger out how I is gonner make it all werk out again the followin’ day.

3:26pm

Yeehaww!  The end of the day.  A surge in optimum health is followed by the soonest possible departure from the workplace… sometimes I can escape as early as 3:45pm, but more typically, with plannin’ an’ followin’ up an’ gradin’ I make it out ‘bout 5pm er so.  Keep in mind I quit getting’ paid at 3:31 er some odd time.

Yup.  Lessee… that’s roughly 300 minutes I spend a day with the talkin’ puppies who, by sheer force of numbers, are tryin’ ter get me functionin’ down ‘round their level.  82 official on-the-clock minutes I done spend by my lonesome gradin’ an’ plannin’.  An’ then there’s that nice 29 minutes er so when I actually have the opportunity ter associate with intellectually developed adult-type persons.

I dunno.  Speakin’ from experience, eventually the nerves an’ psyche can become a lil bit frayed an’ worn out.  Them talkin’ puppies ain’t no docile, passive audience.  They fight you, they fight each other, they try every opportunity ter drive the course of study off track.  It’s a struggle.  An’ it’s just you an’ them.  All day long.

Lookin’ at it this way, is it any wonder that the teachin’ profession builds in deliberate time away from the subject of the job?  After awhile, even the most intellectually developed, most matured adult starts ter get worn down an’ finds themselves suddenly thinkin’ like their students… their mental abilities worn down an’ handicapped by constant an’ continual contact an’ interaction with mentality operating at a far lower level (not always by choice, mind you).  It’s downright frightenin’ when you suddenly become aware of the fact that yer mentality is slippin’; that you are dumbin’ down.

That’s what education vacation is really about, folks.  It’s not some cushy fringe-benefit.  It’s a necessary increment of time teachin’ professionals need ter immerse themselves back inter adult, mentally developed, relatively mature social structure!  It’s the only time durin’ the course of the educational program where a teacher can escape the constant assault of assertive underdeveloped mental state and spend extended periods of time recuperating an’ recoverin’ their faculties.

Without summer break, winter break, Thanskgivin’ break, spring break… teachers would prolly very quickly be reduced ter blubberin’ an’ spittlin’ zombies, their psychological processes rendered defeated by the onslaught of talkin’ puppies.

Now, ‘fore I go, I wanner make sure that no one misinterprets my intentions (as is often the case) where this diatribe is concerned.  I ain’t complainin’ ‘bout my job.  I gotter admit that it may very well be the most stressful thing I ever done, an’ I get frustrated often with what seems like some unrealistic expectations that are made of me an’ my fellow professionals by folks who don’t really know what’s goin’ on, but I like the job of teachin’.  If I didn’t like it I wouldn’t be doin’ it.  There are a whole helluva lotter easier professions ter get inter and stay inter than teachin’.  My purpose here is ter point out that there are parts of the profession that are not known or understood by the ganderin’ public eye.  A teacher may get somethin’ like 14 er 15 weeks away from their students durin’ the course of a school year, but never mistake that fer some kinda howdy-doody-ness wrangled out of the job’s structure.  When one stops ter think about it, vacation’s purpose as a mentally recuperative period fer a teacing professional ter maintain their edge an’ their sanity oughtter be perty doggone obvious.

The joke may go that the three best things ‘bout teachin’ is June, July, an’ August, but the truth of the matter is that the three most necessary things to make teachin’ effective are those vacation time periods.

- Squeezebox Sam

Frenemies

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” – Proverbs 27:6

o’s I might be a right Johnny-Come-Lately ter all this, but I have been usin’ the term “frenemies” fer a bit now in referrin’ ter certain associative conditions I witness within my classroom populaces.  Y’see, as there wuz when you wuz in the educational system (an’ in reality, I think it exists throughout any kind of system where groups of peoples gotter coordinate an’ cooperate with one another fer the supposed greater good), there is folks who is just plain at the bottom of the social barrel due ter their inability ter… lessee… shall we call it “giddy yup”?

Yeah.  You know.  Them folks who, through whatever misfortunate set of circumstances that has done befelled them, just can’t seem ter get with the program an’ make it werk fer them.  This could include everyone from them folks who’s gots an undiagnosed learnin’ disability of some sort (an’ some who’s right diagnosed but won’t utilize any of the measures available ter them ter cope with it) ter them kindsa folks that have just used their class clowniness ter manage ter get through what they perceive as a difficult and undesirable period of life.

The problem is that, typically, these students who’s done spent a lotter time tryin’ ter draw attention away from whatever it is they may be strugglin’ with, exercise their cover-up by pokin’ fun at and drawin’ attention towards other potential victims within the classroom environment.  By the time these clowns get ter high school, however, they’s developed a keen radar fer them folks who is gonna ferret them out an’ try ter make them the focus of the joke, an vise versa, an’ instead of creatin’ some kinder takin’-sides feud, they kinder band together an’ create an’ odd relationship where each permits themselves ter be the laughin’ stock in a kinder takin’-turns basis.  This way they lie ter themselves an’ make out that they is laughin’ tergether rather than at each other… it’s better ter be part of the joke than the butt of the joke, if’n you catch my drift.

You see ‘em in the schoolyard durin’ break periods.  They don’t really have conversations with each other.  They don’t really have anything to talk about since they don’t really actually give one doggone about what’s happenin’ with each other.  They just wanner keep one another at bay so’s they don’t fall prey of bein’ in the outcrowd.  So’s they stand around tergether, usually in a line with their backs ter a wall (practicin’ fer the police line-up, I ‘spose) lookin’ out inter the world tryin’ ter find targets they can agree as a group are worthy of their efforts to use as victims with which to draw attention away from their own perceived inanities.

Hence my labeling of them as “frenemies”.  They ain’t really friends, but instead band tergether inter an uneasy alliance so they’s kin keep track of what the others are doin’ an’ not hafter worry ‘bout bein’ outcasts of some sort er another.  A manifestation of that age old adage ‘bout keepin’ yer friends close but yer enemies closer, I ‘spose.  Practicin’ fer the world beyond high school when they’s all gotter claw each other ter shreds in climbin’ some lamely conceptualized social ladder.

Anyhow, what spurred this here bit of musin’ wuz my sittin’ ‘round listenin’ ter an episode of “This American Life” one afternoon that actually focused on this idea of frenemies.  There wuz some innerestin’ things this here episode brought up that are worthy of mention.  One of them is that, apparently, the definition of the word as it is bein’ worked inter the English lexicon is done bein’ developed as a concept where people done associate on a regular basis with folks they’s feel ambivalent towards.  “They” say that ambivalence seems to be the new route of human association as folks find themselves with fewer friendships outside the workplace an’ whatnot, an’ that 50% of the   people an average person associates with on a regular basis are folks he or she done feels ambivalent towards!

Imagine that!  50% of the people we’s associate with regularly are folks we’s both like AND hate at the same time.  No wonder society’s all screwed up as of late.  Har har.  But seriously, what a thing ter contemplate, hatin’ 50% of the folks you deal with on a regular basis, but havin’ ter like them at the same time, fer whatever the reason.

Accordin’ ter some study quoted in the episode, people walked around with blood pressure monitorin’ equipment on an’ it wuz discovered that when folks come inter contact with someone they’s ambivalent towards their blood pressure done raises more’n than when they come inter contact with someone they actually out an’ out hate.  Logical, I ‘spose, but just imagine how stressed out yer gonner be if’n 50% of the folks you deal with on a regular basis create that kinda reaction in you.  Doggone if’n that don’t rub my fur backwards!

The program also suggested that it ain’t as easy ter remove these here frenemy-istic ambivalent relationships from one’s life as it would seem.  Apparently folks come up against a lotter external type barriers ter getting’ away from them, such as the fact they gotter work with said person, or as in the cases I see all the time, spend six hours a day in the classroom with ‘em.  Also, it sez there’s internal factors of self-perception involved in gittin’ rid of them as well, such as people figurin’ they’s bein’ the bigger an’ better person fer goin’ on with toleratin’ the person who is drivin’ them batty, an’ also figgerin’ that the other person oughtter “man up” and break the doggone thing off themselves rather than makin’ it the victim’s responsibility.

Perty strange.

Anyhows, at this point I is just ramblin’.  Just somethin’ ter think about.  Frenemies.  Apparently we’s all got ‘em.

Here’s the link ter the episode if’n yer innerested.  I found the poetry bit which makes up the third chapter perty innerstin’.  The feller sez that human beings is creatures of contact… an’ whether we’s “kiss or we wound” we’s gotter come tergether.  Somethin’ ter think ‘bout, I ‘spose.

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/389/frenemies

Yup.

-Squeezebox Sam